Turd Burglary

A Boggle turd burglar, hauling his prize to sell on the black turd market.

A Boggle turd burglar, hauling his prize to sell on the black turd market.

To most, the term “turd burglary” would evoke revulsion and confusion. Oftentimes, merely uttering such a phrase will cause a room to erupt with laughter–that is, of course, unless you are a Boggle.

Boggles are not the smartest of Eem’s many creatures: they are sometimes savage or silly, and generally cowardly, but when it comes to the subject of turds they are the world’s foremost scholars. Boggle culture thrives on refuse and the discarded, and in the case of turds, Boggles are master architects. Utilizing troll dung more than any other kind, they construct remarkably elaborate structures in which they live, work, and thrive. So when it comes to turd burglary–that is, the act of stealing another’s poop–Boggles show no hint of laughter, and they show no mercy.

Because so few Boggles throughout Eem are actually free of oppressive goblin masters, the act of turd burgling–which at its core disrupts the very harmony and foundation of Boggle society–is akin to murder. Often a culprit will be banished from their smelly village, or worse: tied to the highest twig atop the tallest tree in the forest as food for falcons. Boggles that commit turd burglary who are not immediately banished or put to death may also be placed into mason jars and sold off to Bogril Boggle-mongers, who by their namesake sell captured forest Boggles to the highest Goblin bidder to toil as peons in one of the great subterranean tunnel networks of the industrialized Underlands.

Troll Farts

Troll farts, in addition to literally being flatus expelled from a Troll’s butt, is a form of enormous natural energy. While not clearly understood on an alchemical level, it is understood that Troll’s Wind generates ten times the combustible energy of burning coal. Feral Boggles, despite their small stature and smaller intellect, have learned this, and utilize Troll’s Wind as an energy source to heat and power their homes. These Boggles even go so far as to send out expeditions to harvest troll droppings; once collected, entire villages will use the droppings as a form of building material, packing and baking bricks.

Often undetected by average folk’s scent palate, and defying conventional wisdom, Troll farts do not smell rancid or stale. On the contrary, a Troll’s fart always retains the exact aroma of its last meal. For example, a pair of hungry travelers, while roaming the Murbletoad Marshes, might remark: “But soft, dost thou smelleth that chicken?” When in fact there is no chicken, but actually a troll’s passed gas wandering the wind, the ghost of a well-prepared chicken dinner a fortnight ago. However, this effect can also have negative consequences, if, for instance, a Troll were to spend a night drinking whisky, and then stumble half-mad and starving into an onion patch.


Although Gnomes possess the dwimmercraftiness to turn a thing into another thing, just as Kobolds do–unlike Kobolds, Gnomes never engage in this sort of business without good reason. Only under extreme circumstances would a Gnome completely warp the nature of a being, as the mere idea is considered base and nihilistic, two qualities that you will never find in a Gnome.

Gnomes have been known to transmogrify themselves, however, to blend in with their surroundings and go unseen. Take the case of B. Bingle Smuddersworth, who once turned himself into the very log that the Bugbear King Skrump was sitting on as he surveyed his battle map and formed a plan of attack during the Battle of Sprocklepotch Glen. With the fruits of his espionage, Smuddersworth’s Gnomish Dragoons outflanked Skrump’s forces, turning the tide of the war. Needless to say Smudderworth went down in history as one of the heroes of his age.

While few Gnomes are able to transform into living, sentient, creatures like birds and squirrels and other small animals, most are capable of morphing into inanimate life for short periods: such as logs, vegetables, or small shrubs. This ability has been misconstrued by knaves and rapscallions who fear Gnomes. Kobolds, Boggles, Boggarts, Bugbears, and Imps, impulsive and impetuous as they are, all believe that since Gnomes wield such great power that they would lack discretion in its use and turn it upon any transgressor.